At some point in our lives?

I think its fair to say that at some point in our lives, everyone gets to suffer from stress, depression, or more serious mental issues. Thankfully, for most, these are mild, and in time we get over them, but for others…? Yes, at least here in the UK, and maybe further afield, this week marks Mental Health Awareness Week. Were you aware of that?

As I say, for most people, the worst it gets is a bout of depression, or stress related to work, but for others, it can be far worse. Nervous breakdowns, or even something more severe than that, in fact. Me, in my time, I’ve suffered from depression and stress, to quite a major level, but I’m over the worst now, or at least I think I am. Trouble is, I suspect its one of those issues that just lurks, and just when you’re least expecting it, it jumps up and bites you again! Hopefully not, for me at least, but yes, there are times, when I just wonder…?

I think its fair to say that one of the reasons I wanted to write that story involving ECT did relate to my own experiences with depression, and the like. No, before you ask, I never have had that treatment, though unlike plenty, I would most definitely do so if I needed it, and hey, I might do it even before that point, given the chance. I have seen one of the old style rooms where it was done, but judging by what I’ve seen recently, care of You Tube, things have changed out of all recognition in the last 20 years, or so.

Yes, I know, its the whole thing about having your mind blasted with electricity with me, but lets not go on with that, especially as that tends to be for another purpose, when I’m playing out things in my head. But yes, I was determined to write a serious (but fictional) story on the matter when I did it, and I’m glad its done. Someone did ask me if I was planning another, but I told them no, for now at least. Not so much because I have got the whole issue off my chest, but mainly because I cant think of a fresh way to deal with it, in all honesty, without going back to the whole robot thing. I know, its been a while, but I wrote so many of those, and…

But yes, all I’m going to say is that if you see anyone, or suspect anyone is suffering from stress, or depression, and its safe to do so, go talk to them, try and help, dont just ignore them. If you cant help yourself, direct them to someone who can, thats all. But yes, dont just think Mental Health issues wont happen to you, because they just might, and there is such a thing as karma, so…

Right, video time. I know, quite literally this might not be the most suitable song for someone suffering from mental health issues, but at the same time…? Slade, definitely live!

Voluntary brainwashing?

Oh fine, about time I did something mind control related again on here, and something I read today gives me the perfect opportunity to do this.

As people who have read the blog for a while know, for the cause of depression, I fall into the ‘ECT fanclub’, as opposed to those who hate the idea of ECT intently. Yes, its a dramatic step, but if you need it, it tends to help, so… I know, never actually had it done (at any voltage level), but if someone wants to offer me the chance, for research, then yes, I would!

But today I read something, which takes the concept of treatment for depression, and disturbed mind issues a step further, voluntary brainwashing! Right, fine, before all the good folk start having fits about that, its only fiction! Here, in fact

I know, a troubled and abusive past leads to this? Fine, unlike some ECT stuff I read about, her choice was voluntary, and fine, if it solves all isssues? Yes, please remember, this is only a concept, its only in fiction at present!

Who, me, would I? Almost certainly yes, if it was the only way to solve all my mental issues, I guess? OK, fine, I’m biased, I’d enjoy that being done to me, regardless of mental issues! But seriously, however bad things were for you in life, would you be prepared to be brainwashed, just to solve them? I suspect for most, more than a step too far, but is there someone out there, who would actually consider it?


Video time. What someone might be doing mentally, if they were having this done.

Reaching the end of the road

OK, so time wise, I did think about leaving this until tomorrow, but I promised people some pretty depressing news, so pledge kept. Yes, I know, a week ago I thought I was hitting that high, but sadly it was just an illusion.

Yes, you guessed it, that job I thought I’d got, just a con. And yes, I was so desperate for a job, that despite the wage screaming at me, as being wrong, I jumped at it. And yes, the security check, and having to pay for it, sounded fair, so I went ahead and done it. I know, bigger fool me, but I need the job!

Anyway, having got to Thursday, when I was promised contact to arrange induction, and further details, and heard nothing, I sent off an email enquiring about this. Then Friday morning, guess what, I got an email from them! But no, not a reply to mine, but the identical email to the one I’d received a week earlier. Mind, given when I’d had no reply on Thursday (all replies previously answered very promptly), I feared the worst, but this just confirmed it. So yes, I took to Google, to try and discover more, and at that point, everything unraveled big time. To cut a long story short, I’d been conned, and fallen for it.

The worst thing, I’d turned down a couple of other assessments, and interviews, because I thought I’d found a job, and then finally discovered, I hadnt. Yes, I did for a while after that contemplate just saying “Oh, blow it”, and bringing an end to it all (Yes, tried it before, many years ago, when I first discovered the whole transgender thing), but I think I’ve got past that point now, but dont quote me on that! So yes, over the weekend, I’ve got back to sending off job applications, and trying to see if I can recover the ones I turned down, so lets hope something comes of it. Not exactly full of hope (understandably), but we will see.

But yes, the biggest snag I have now, is that the money I threw away, I really couldnt afford to lose. So now, instead of having 3 weeks rent that I could scrape together, with a little bit to spare, I now have 2, and a bit more to spare, but not enough for a weeks rent! Even less so, if I have to start paying out for fares to get to job interviews, but anyway…at least getting one, might get me out of a hole, though even then, by the time I get paid… Oh, and strictly, I need some cheap furniture for here too, assuming I’m going to be here long enough to make it matter!

So yes, I’m begging, anyone in a position to help? Money, simply to keep me going, or if you have a small wardrobe, or chest of drawers, that you can get to me, to save me buying one in a charity shop, shout! Its funny, when I asked if anyone would ‘rescue me’ if I needed it, I bet most thought I was just exaggerating things. See, you were wrong!

In a perfect world, I would love to just start all over again, somewhere in the US, and try and build myself a new life, and make this one work. But this world isnt perfect, and besides, I havent got enough for the air fare for most of the US, and thats before the next rent is due on Wednesday! After that…nope!

So yes, understandably, just at this moment, I’m still pretty low. Though as Elton John said, I’m still standing, but only just! And for how much longer? Help!

Right, so now you know, at least. The video, well, I did think about the Elton John one, but given that Bowie died recently, and its a brilliant video, and its apt for how I feel…

Anyone want to be my cheerleader?

Lets see how good your memories are? You remember a couple of blogs back, discussing the concept of if the job situation played out, I could take a 4 week break, and take up residence in Hollywood? Yes, thats right, just back beyond the one where I requested female equality from the powers to be there, thats the one!

To be honest, the last couple of days, I’ve been taking review of that situation, and realising that maybe I need a time out from the insanity of job hunting anyway. Yes, its getting to me, and as someone who has suffered with depression in the past, I guess I need to be careful on that front. No, not ghastly pharmaceutical drugs, I got by last time around with St Johns Wort, and I’m pretty sure I can do so again. I do actually have one tablet, but as its over 5 years old, I’m not planning on taking it. Maybe get some new ones, but not one that old, thanks.

So fine, I’ve made a decision, based on the fact that I will need to get both flights, and apartment sorted out well in advance, that if I havent got anything in progress by the weekend of 15/16 August, I’m taking that break, before my sanity goes pop! Given the split on Job Centre visits, the 21st will have decent enough details, given its a fortnightly thing, and the one after that, I will be beginning the process of signing off for my holiday anyway, so with luck, they wont check too hard. Yes, 5 weeks tomorrow, the build up to my holiday in New England begins!

Well, OK, you’ve worked it out, havent you? No sooner do I decide I am going to take that break in Hollywood, than I get offered an interview. Tomorrow morning, in fact, having only applied for it this morning. Dont worry, this one is fine, its one of the utility companies over here, so its good. Of course, I still have to pass the interview (including the ‘loved’ competency questions), so we will see. Other thing that has struck me, though I’m not sure if its exactly the same role, is that on their website, there is mention of a 6 week training period, and as I say, 5 weeks today…freedom! Agency know this, but anyway…? Otherwise, it wouldnt affect that assessment on the 20th, they dont want me until November anyway. There is supposedly one other thing in line, but like another agency I could name, the interview dates seem to keep getting put back, but not happening, but anyway…As far as I can see, thats a company thats always employing, so I suspect delaying my start might not concern either party there?

Yes, I will keep fighting the good fight until next weekend at least, but after that, a decision will be made, and I’m pretty certain it will be the sanity keeping one! Who knows, might get offered a job in Hollywood lol, cant be much less fruitful than the search over here!

The video, and this is where my personal cheerleader creeps in. I’d not found this video to this song before, nor an extended version, so…